Bismillah! No!

In honour both of the climax of the English Premier League season and Danny Baker's return to BBC Radio Five Live after illness, here is a gem from the podcast Danny used to do with Danny Kelly.

Their friend Teletext Alex ingeniously replaced the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody with the names of professional footballers. Vocally he's no Freddie Mercury (or even Freddie "Parrot Face" Davies), but that's a small price to pay. Another version exists on YouTube from when this was later performed on Danny's Five Live show, however this is the original and best. A clever person on the internet added pictures of most of the players named.

A transcript of the lyrics is below, with the the new words shown after the relevant line from the Queen original.

LYRICS

Is this the real life?
TWISS FISH MCGREAL CRUYFF

Is this just fantasy?
TWISS FISH BUSST MANN LUZHNY

Caught in a landslide
VOGTS RIMMER BRAND HYDE

No escape from reality
YEO JESS TAIT SONG MCGREAL GUTI

Open your eyes
BOPP PEN ALPAY

Look up to the skies and see
COOK JUPP PUGH KERR DAEI PRESSLEY

I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
HAIM BUSST IPOUA ROY DAEI REID YEO GYNN MATHIE

Because I’m easy come, easy go
MEE GOSS HAIM GEE LEE BUNN GEE LEE YEO

A little high, little low
BA LYTTLE DAEIL LYTTLE YEO

Anyway the wind blows
DANI FAYE KERR BLIND KLOSE

Doesn’t really matter to me
COUSINS SEALEY MATHERS PUGH GEE

To me
PUGH GEE

Mama, just killed a man
PALMER BUSST FRIEL HAMANN

Put a gun against his head
POTTER BUNN MCCOIST TWISS FRED

Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead
GOULD CARRAGHER HOWE PREECE STEAD

Mama, life had just begun
PALMER CRUYFF STEAD BUSST GEE GUNN

But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away
BUTT HOWE HYDE JOHN SAND BROWN GRITT BALL ALPAY

Mama, ooo
LAMA PUGH

Didn’t mean to make you cry
GITTENS BREEN PUGH LAKE GREW FREI

If I’m not back again this time tomorrow
DIOUF HAIM WATT JACK, FAGAN, TWISS, GRIMES PUGH MORROW

Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters
BARRY LONG BARRY LONG SMITH DUFF GYNN SEALEY MATHERS

Too late, my time has come
PUGH PATES TUGAY RANSOME

Sends shivers down my spine
BENT CHIVERS BROWN DAEI VINE

Body’s aching all the time
DODD REECE HAY KING BALL KERR VINE

Goodbye everybody. I’ve got to go
WOOD FREI D’AVRAY COTTEE HYDE GUTI LOWE

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
POTTER HEATH PUGH BALL LEE HEINZE CASE KERR HUTH

Mama, ooo
BRAMMER PUGH

I don’t want to die
DAEI BRUNT HUNT PUGH FREI

I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all!
DAEI BUNN GRIMES FISH HYDE WEBBER BREEN HORNE PLATT BALL

I see a little silhouetto of a man
FACEY BA LYTTLE SILVA ETO HUTH HAMANN

Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
DIARRA BRUCE DIARRA BRUCE BRILL KANU HAMANN BRANCO

Thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me
YOUNG KERR HOULT SAND BRIGHT KING VIEIRA VIERI FREI LING LEE

Galileo, galileo
BAILEY MAYO

Galileo, galileo
BAILEY MAYO

Galileo figaro-magnifico
BAILEY MAYO FIGO LAW HAGI ZICO

But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me
BUTT HAIM BASTOCK LAW ROY YEO MOODY GROVES LEE

He’s just a poor boy from a poor family
PREECE BASTOCK MOORE ROY SONG IPOUA MORALEE

Spare him his life from this monstrosity
CLARE GYNN TWISS CRUYFF SONG TWISS LONG ROSS GUTI

Easy come easy go, will you let me go
CISSE DUNNE CISSE YEO HILL PUGH BETT LEE YEO

Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. Let him go
TWISS MILLER YEO GEE HILL WATT BETT PUGH YEO – BETT WYNNE YEO

Bismillah! We will not let you go. Let him go
TWISS MILLER LEE HILL WATT BETT PUGH YEO – BETT WYNNE YEO

Bismillah! We will not let you go. Let me go
TWISS MILLER LEE HILL WATT BETT PUGH YEO – BETT LEE YEO

Will not let you go. Let me go
HILL WATT BETT PUGH YEO – BETT GEE YEO

Will not let you go. Let me go
HILL WATT BETT PUGH YEO – BETT GEE YEO

No, no, no, no, no, no, no
ROWE FLO CROWE YEO LOWE PYO DEFOE

Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
BRAMMER FEAR BRAMMER FEAR BETT LEE CROWE

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me
FRIEL LEBOUEF CASPER NEVILLE BUSST BA HYDE GORRE LEE GORRE LEE GORRE LEE

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?
LOWE PUGH LINKE PUGH LAHM STONE LEE SAND GRITT GYNN LI TIE

So you think you can love me and leave me to die?
LOWE PUGH LINKE PUGH LAHM LOVE LEE SAND GREAVES LEE TUGAY

Oh baby, can’t do this to me, baby
YEO DAVEY DURRANT PUGH TWISS PUGH LEE DAVEY

Just gotta get out. Just gotta get right outta here
BUSST POTTER BETTS KUYT BUSST POTTER BETTS RIDEOUT KINNEAR

Nothing really matters
DUFF LING SEALEY MATHERS

Anyone can see
BENNI MCCARTHY

Nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me
DUFF LING SEALEY MATHERS DUFF LING SEALEY MATHERS PUGH GEE

Any way the wind blows…
DANI GREY KERR BLIND KLOS

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