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Saturday 28 May 2011

Things I Have Learned This Week

1. The special relationship is as strong as ever...


2. You're having a bad week and just when you think things can't get any worse, this happens.


Feces3. A regional accent means you can't make it in America, just ask The Beatles, Sean Connery, Ozzy Osbourne, Craig Ferguson, Cat Deeley, etc, etc. Bookies' odds on a Girls Aloud reunion slashed.


4. Given the Herculean efforts that its stars are putting into promoting The Hangover Part II, it must be a real stinker.


5. A chocolate digestive spread with crunchy peanut butter is better than any dish that has ever been served on Come Dine With Me.


Thursday 26 May 2011

Got Those Incredulity Blues

Commercial comes on TV for Hugh Laurie's Blues album:

Wife: Is this a joke?
Me: Er...no.
Wife: No really. Is it a joke?
Me: No.
Wife: Fucking Hell.

Wednesday 25 May 2011

The Battle of Good Versus Evil


You will see from my profile or from the Twitter thingy over there > that my name is Simon. I wasn't that keen on it at school (Simon the Pieman! Simon Templar! Simon Smith and his Amazing Fucking Dancing Fucking Bear! etc.), but I've come to accept it more in later years.

I'm mindful however that there are people in the public eye that share my name, who are responsible for some pretty terrible things. So in order to keep the cosmic balance of the universe, I feel I need to demonstrate that for every Evil Simon there is a Good Simon. This I will do in a series of short posts, starting below.  

A bit random, perhaps. You don't get this kind of shit from your mate Baz on Facebook do you?


Good Simon No.1
Simon Wiesenthal

Simon Wiesenthal
By Horego (Own work) [GFDL
(www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)
 
A survivor of the Nazi death camps, Simon Wiesenthal dedicated his life to documenting the crimes of the Holocaust and to hunting down the perpetrators still at large. "When history looks back," Wiesenthal explained, "I want people to know the Nazis weren’t able to kill millions of people and get away with it." His work stands as a reminder and a warning for future generations.




Evil Simon No.1
Simon Cowell

File:Simon Cowell.jpg
Wiki edit Jonny at en.wikipedia [GFDL
(www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html)
 
The Dark Lord himself. A simple list of his "achievements" should suffice:

Sharon Osbourne; Leona Lewis; Jedward; making mentally ill people a laughing stock; telling people how to vote on election day; not knowing a decent song if it slapped him in the face; making kids more interested in Karaoke than being in a band; fucking street dance.

Here is how I like to think of him.



***STOP PRESS***
And now he's sacked our Cheryl - Britain's sweetheart. The evil bastard.

Monday 23 May 2011

Quick Swank

Million Dollar Baby in 5 seconds. If you don't laugh at this you have a cold, cold heart.


Sunday 22 May 2011

Bismillah! No!

In honour both of the climax of the English Premier League season and Danny Baker's return to BBC Radio Five Live after illness, here is a gem from the podcast Danny used to do with Danny Kelly.

Their friend Teletext Alex ingeniously replaced the lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody with the names of professional footballers. Vocally he's no Freddie Mercury (or even Freddie "Parrot Face" Davies), but that's a small price to pay. Another version exists on YouTube from when this was later performed on Danny's Five Live show, however this is the original and best. A clever person on the internet added pictures of most of the players named.

A transcript of the lyrics is below, with the the new words shown after the relevant line from the Queen original.