BLINKERED: Things I Have Learned This Week

1. From a rubbish newspaper I found lying around (can't remember which one):

PEOPLE CAN BE SO CRUEL

Olly Murs is getting fed up of people asking him if he has mumps.

"I do have a wide face but I am fine, thanks for asking"

HELP THIS WOMAN

2. Much kerfuffle this week when Sinéad O’Connor went public with her lack of satisfaction with her love life, posting an appeal on her website for someone to er...help her out of her predicament. This is reproduced below, and needs no jokes from me to spice it up. She is also continuing the "search" on Twitter as @howryeh .

Got to admire her frankness - not that she's ever been a shrinking violet.

20.08.11 IS SINEAD ABOUT TO HUMP HER TRUCK?

The man who runs my site will protectively suggest I may want to visit the bathroom for a few intimate moments and a subsequent cold shower before deciding to post this on the site but I will of course ignore him as it's too late now and the her-moans are having the best of me.

I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don't yet own a truck but I'm beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab's whole fleet in one hour. Forty quid clear-up afterward. Can't say fairer than that. Except maybe a photo for their web-site. Which would be fine.

My shit-uation sexually/affectionately speaking is so dire that inanimate objects are starting to look good as are inappropriate and/or unavailable men and/or inappropriate and/or unavailable fruits and vegetables. I tell you yams are looking like the winners. I actually do know a woman who is a performance artist from America. I have a photo of her being escorted arm in arm by two uk police man onto a plane back home cuz she humped a yam in the middle of her show. I just know that's going to happen to me if I don't take drastic action.

Needless to say what I do for a living makes it hard for me to find men that only want me cuz they like my (legendary) arse. Yet I am in the peak of my sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun. and it's VERY depressing.

So I've been pondering on whether or not I should join some Irish dating agencies. Of course if I did it would end up in papers so I may as well save myself the registration fees. Besides which a friend of mine uses dating agencies and half the men actually have wives.

Am in desperate need of a very sweet sex-starved man.

He must be no younger than 44.

Must be living in Ireland but I don't care if he is from the planet Zog.

Must not be named Brian or Nigel.

Must be blind enough to think I'm gorgeous.

Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply.

Leather trouser- wearing gardai, fire-men, rugby players, and Robert Downey-Junior will be given special consideration. As will literally anyone who applies.

I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply.

No hair gel.

No hair dryer use.

No hair dye

Stubble is a non-negotiable must. Any removal of stubble would be upsetting for me.

No after shave.

Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam.

Must be wham-bam.

Has to like his mother.

Has to like his ex and or mother/s of his children.

Has to live in own place.

I must end now as I have a hot date with a banana

Applicants can apply through my secretary at vampyahslayah@yahoo.com

This was followed up three days later with:

I've been repeatedly asked will I 'do anal sex'. Let me make it very clear.. Any man I contemplate has to be into anal sex.. It was a family paper so they wudnt have printed it but let me now take time to make VERY clear that yes I 'do anal' and in fact I would be deeply unhappy if 'doing anal' wasn't on the menu, amongst everything else$$ So if u don't like 'the difficult brown'.. Don't apply... I've had reasonable complaints from lesbians that they have been excluded. This was terribly remiss of me and I would now like to make it clear that women will also be very much considered. As will Brians and Nigels.. Since there were complaints there too.

Fare thee well, brave men of Ireland

3. It has been reported that Charlotte Church's ex Gavin Henson hopes his stint on Channel 5's The Bachelor will help him lose the title of 'Charlotte Church's ex'.

I really wish Charlotte Church's ex all the best with that. It can't be easy being referred to as 'Charlotte Church's ex' all of the time, especially when you are indeed Charlotte Church's ex.

4. Former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith showed that she's hasn't lost her knack for embarrassing headlines...

The knives are out for Mrs Smith again, but personally I feel a little sorry for her. The pictures below of how the prisoners left her home surely show that she has suffered enough, as what hasn't been reported is that one of the men is disgraced former Changing Rooms star Tristram Bobbington-Fey.

Locked up for the past three years, this was his first opportunity for a long time to give full rein to his creative urges...