Cover Me Bad

A regular-ish feature on this here site is Killer Covers, where I list tracks which I see as standing out from the multitude of cover versions out there. A purely personal choice, of course.

In general, most covers are just a bit meh, but there are others which are notable for all the wrong reasons, through being truly terrible. I have collected a few here, the criteria for inclusion being songs which I love, and therefore I feel an element of personal affrontry. Below each is a link to the original, for anyone in any doubt as to the extent of the musical crime:

1. James Blunt - Fall at Your Feet (cover of Crowded House song)

Now Blunt's pained, Al-Jolson-on-helium voice singing his own whiny, soporific tunes is one thing. Deployed on Neil Finn's dark, beautiful love song it is a whole different ball (bawl) game. Like putting a Michelin-starred meal into a food processor and then serving up patties of sloppy cold effluent.  

Crowded House Original

2. Annie Lennox - Shining Light (cover of Ash Song)

I have to admit I've long had a loathing for Lennox's music, be it her solo stuff or the unfathomably popular Eurythmics. It all just seems so soulless. I'm sure she's a lovely woman and she clearly does a lot of great charity work, but man oh man, this is simply awful. When I first heard it (I think on breakfast TV) it took a while to click that it was the Ash song I knew so well. My overriding feeling when listening is just that it's fucking hilarious.

Ash Original

3. Ellie Goulding - Your Song (cover of Elton John song)

A great, great song, we're all agreed - right? Now imagine if it was sung by a young woman seemingly incapable of conveying any kind of emotional connection with the lyrics, like the disappointing love child of Mr Spock and one of the wives of Stepford: "What is this thing called mu-sic, which humans love so much?" That's what this is like.

Apparently she sang it at Wills and Kate's wedding reception, with Elton looking on. I'm sure he was very gracious and polite, while on the inside pissing himself laughing.

Elton John original

4. Michael Bolton - Yesterday (cover of The Beatles song)

Let's just say right from the off that Michael Bolton has one helluva voice. The trouble is, it only has two settings: - brooding, singing-quite-softly-but-gonna-let-rip-any-minute; and FULL_ON SHOUTY RAUNCHY GRAVELLY WOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! As demonstrated below.

Beatles Original

Daffy Duck Version
5. Blue - Signed, Sealed, Delivered (cover of Stevie Wonder song)

Third rate, even within the depressing genre that is the boy band, Blue somehow managed to persuade Stevie Wonder himself (plus Angie Stone) to appear on this murderous reinterpretation of his classic song. Perhaps he was forced into it by his record company, but it makes me wonder: if supremely talented artists are content to help destroy their own legacy, why should the rest of us care? I still do though.

Stevie Wonder original

6. Duran Duran - Watching the Detectives (cover of Elvis Costello)

Well, this comes from a whole album of covers Duran Duran did in 1995, and it was really tough picking out one track from whatever the opposite of an embarrassment of riches is. The album also includes covers of Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, Lou Reed and Public Enemy. Subsequently voted WORST ALBUM EVER by Q Magazine. I can give no greater endorsement than that.

Elvis Costello original


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Famous First Words

I've had a bit of a fad on examining song lyrics of late, and whilst I don't think it's essential to the writing of a great song to have great lyrics (for example The Stones' Satisfaction), it certainly helps. Those that I'm most drawn to are the ones that paint a vivid picture, and it is often the first couple of lines which help to set the scene for the whole song, to draw the listener into this little snapshot of a life.

Here are 10 examples of opening lines which I am particularly fond of, for differing reasons. In a couple of cases it's simply that they make me laugh:

1. Simon & Garfunkel - The Sound of Silence

Hello darkness my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again

2. The Jam - Down in the Tube Station at Midnight

The distant echo - of faraway voices boarding faraway trains,
To take them home to the ones that they love, and who love them forever 

3. Marvin Gaye - What's Going On

Mother, mother, there's too many of you crying,
Brother, brother, brother, there's far too may of you dying

4. Stevie Wonder - Living for the City

A boy is born in hard time Mississippi
Surrounded by four walls that ain't so pretty

5. Fountains of Wayne - Michael and Heather at the Baggage Claim

Michael and Heather at the baggage claim, tired of playing the waiting game
Every bag has got a different name, Michael and Heather may never get home again.

6. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Ohio

Tin soldiers and Nixon coming, we're finally on our own
This summer I hear the drumming, four dead in Ohio

7. Arctic Monkeys - When the Sun Goes Down

So who's that girl there? I wonder what went wrong so that she had to roam the streets
She don't do major credit cards, I doubt she does receipts. It's all not quite legitimate

8. The Beatles - Penny Lane

In Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographs, of every head he's had the pleasure to have known
And all the people that come and go, stop and say hello

9. Happy Mondays - Kinky Afro

Son, I'm thirty. I only went with your mother 'cos she's dirty
And I don't have a decent bone in me. What you get is just what you see, yeah

10. Ben Folds - Bitch Went Nuts

The bitch went nuts. She stabbed my basketball
And the speakers to my stereo

So those are my 10, though I could have come up with a lot more. How about yours?


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Things I Have Learned This Week

1. The special relationship is as strong as ever...

2. You're having a bad week and just when you think things can't get any worse, this happens.

3. A regional accent means you can't make it in America, just ask The Beatles, Sean Connery, Ozzy Osbourne, Craig Ferguson, Cat Deeley, etc, etc. Bookies' odds on a Girls Aloud reunion slashed.

4. Given the Herculean efforts that its stars are putting into promoting The Hangover Part II, it must be a real stinker.

5. A chocolate digestive spread with crunchy peanut butter is better than any dish that has ever been served on Come Dine With Me.

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